Bookish Geek

Migraine Wednesday.

Woke up with one, which, ugh. I miss when I used to get them right before my period — I could at least plan on it? Now it's like, "well...good luck?" as they're apparently linked to the weather, and not consistently at that. :|

I always think I'm overestimating how much they suck, and then it's like, no, 'pain you can't ignore' is a 6 on the pain scale, so for you to go, 'this is not only something I can't tune out, it's keeping me from doing stuff' is probably a sign.

Slept most of the day off and on. Had sort of thought it was coming, because I'd dealt with Weird Formless Anxiety off and on all weekend, so having it hit Wednesday was like, yeah this tracks.

(Weird Formless Anxiety is gone now, for the record.)


I swapped projects at work because otherwise I was going to quit, and the difference in attitude about going to work is like night and day. Suddenly, everything is fine? I'm sort of — well, mystified, about this, but I'll take it, I guess?

Also swapped what the intern is working on, and he's happier, too. So, pros and cons?


County fair last night. Went to cheer on the champion goats that'll be at the state fair at the end of August/early September. Dunno if we'll actually make it up to the fair this year — we always mean to, but whether or not we do is sort of a mixed bag.

Went out to dinner afterward, one of the local breweries. I wasn't driving (for once!), so! Tried one of their new beers and liked it enough that I bought a four-pack. Super-exciting stuff. (It's a rice lager; was really dry/crisp and very low ABV, which makes it sort of perfect for summer.)

At dinner, we ended up talking about nothing in particular — there's an art show tomorrow we're hitting up, and local friends want to see us tomorrow evening, so we're planning on it — mostly was like, "how's stuff been" (because I have been working later than usual and Max has been dealing with pain-stuff that means he's been going to bed earlier than usual; we haven't had a lot of overlap, feels like), and making a plan to go on a hot date Monday (!).

...said "hot date" is going to be "going to see the 'Naked Gun' reboot", grabbing dinner beforehand, but, you know.


Creative project stuff continues. I realized, talking to a friend the other day, that I have written over 220k words in the last two months. Roughly half of it is good? Ha. It's...divided into roughly three parts, per the super-vague outline, and I'm on part 2 of 3 and writing it has been like pulling teeth. After writing the first bit felt like I was simply dictating the story as it was being told to me, this has been Less Than Fun, but what can you do? sigh.

I have at least gotten one (1) real review on AO3, not just someone going, "oh hmm what if I offer to do art of this thing for you", so that's fun.

...I also realized that I have essentially zero shame at this point and so posted the "this is basically smut with a tiny amount of plot attached at the front end" thing I wrote for a friend sometime last year, because, like.

I don't know that I'm proud of it (it's basically completely unedited...), but I'm trying to be better about recognizing like, "it is normal to want recognition and validation for something you worked on even if it's imperfect and difficult to explain", so. My therapist would be proud?

(My AO3 username is the same as it is everywhere, in case anyone is like, "where the fuck are you posting this?" The tags aren't a lie, have fun!)

I think it is a testament to how far I have come about stuff that instead of obsessing about how it's not "good" enough, I'm going, "well, before I wrote this I hadn't really written anything explicit, it turned out well in the sense that the person I wrote it for liked it, it succeeds on those merits and I don't need to try to edit it further or work it into something 'perfect'".

So, yeah.

Of course, actually posting something to AO3 leaves me going, "I promised Sharon I would write that weird Baldur's Gate fic for her, I should maybe...do that?" and, well.

We shall see.


Here's fingers crossed that someone at the art sale tomorrow has a Weird Little Guy I can buy to keep the last Weird Little Guy I bought (at the art sale two years ago, natch) company!

I got the title to my car in the mail, so that's that, it is officially paid off and now it's mine.

Weird.

I had to take it in to get it serviced yesterday, and at the dealership, after all the back and forth about what was being done (and don't even get me started, I was supposed to get a recall taken care of and I didn't and I'm still peeved), it came up somehow that is is paid off, and I got a faint look of surprise from the woman behind the counter, perhaps because I do not look like someone who should have been able to pay off a $15k loan in 3 years and change.

In her defense, I suppose, I was wearing my favorite jeans (holes in the pockets and left leg), one of my favorite shirts (HOLES), the sort-of-ugly sneakers I got online because they don't kill my feet when I have to stand on the concrete in the lab, and I had the (broken zipper, but still serviceable) messenger bag with me, my hair swept up in the sort of bun we call "I need to wash this and I'm going to do that tonight but until then perhaps this will hide the worst of the sins".

It makes me laugh when I think about how I am doing, financially (pretty well) vs how I am perceived (as a horrible goblin who must be horribly broke). Clothes get destroyed in the lab even with a lab coat (don't even get me started, truly), and so at some point you give up and there are "lab clothes" and "home clothes". Lab clothes are the ones with mysterious bleach stains. Home clothes haven't been wrecked yet.

I do have some shirts that are "home shirts", in the sense that they don't have anything horribly wrong with them yet. "Home pants" for the summer are shorts, because I cannot wear them in the lab, and "home shoes" are the wedge sandals I have come to be fond of, for the same reason.

I think sometimes about dressing better, making more of an effort, and then it's like — well. I'm comfortable, and reasonably happy; I have outfits that I wear for Fancy Stuff when needed (including, yes, actual formalwear), and anyway, I'm Old and Very Married and Max is also a horrible goblin, so.

(Besides, it's fun to make someone squirm after they're shitty to me for assumptions they made about my class and disposable income based on how I was dressed.)


This week at work was another that's not worth talking about, but the gist of it is that my cofounder realized that if something didn't change I was probably going to walk away, permanently, and so I am on a different project for the time being. Thank God.


I didn't get to bed until almost 2am last night, and I was up until 2:30 with the sort of nebulous, ill-formed anxiety that gnaws at me a few times a year. What if...

Lately it's been what if the people you love are actually tired of you but are too kind to say so, which is certainly — mmm. A THOUGHT.

This was more or less assuaged when Maximo woke up, about an hour after I did (because despite falling asleep around 2:30AM, I was still awake by 8:30AM), and immediately rolled over to show me something silly he'd meant to share before he fell asleep the night before. At least one person loves me and is not tired of me, and that's enough to pop the anxiety bubble, mostly.

His mom called around 9:30 to talk about logistics. She and his sister are planning to come out for the first part of August — probably the 7th (arriving that evening) through the 12th. This should be fun, minus the part where I have two tabletop games I would rather not move in that same span of time. Alas, alack, etc, etc.

(It'll be fine; this trip is short-notice and I don't think I'm expected to entertain anyone or do anything at all.)

After he got off the phone, got up, went to the farm stand (for fun, mostly), then did annoying Car Stuff (getting gas, etc), ran to the grocery store...

It was a bunch of tiny fiddly errands, most of which were fine, but which all together were a lot. The Nebulous Anxiety started coming back around that time, too, which was just — eugh.

Came home, put everything away, and laid down on the sofa for about an hour. During that time, Max's cat came and loafed upon me and drooled, purring. It's hard to feel like you are full of nebulous anxiety when you have a large fat white cat drooling upon you, so.

Got up, did some various and sundry small things, and — well, yeah.

Texted Amanda and Sharon, asked if they wanted to hang out. Got the affirmative, went ahead and picked up Chinese and drove to meet them. Two episodes of DS9, one episode of Game Changer, and that was that. I did get ribbed a bit about "being on the phone" during DS9, but I am —

I can say this here, because neither of them pay attention to my Dreamwidth (genuinely, I don't know that they know I have one), but: God, I am so tired of "Star Trek".

I pay enough attention to the plots, anyway, that when I inevitably get asked if I saw [x], I can go, "yes, and then [y] happened", and that's enough. If they want perfect, flawless engagement, they're going to have to pick something else. :P

(I have pointed this out; Sharon is mildly bothered, I think, because DS9 was her pick and she loves it and wants me to love it too, and I am just — I have seen most of it and I know I am not the target audience, and rewatching it is a bit like, "welp.")

Anyway, the night ended on a high note, me banging on my chest and declaring wholeheartedly how much I love [CHARACTER] from [PODCAST], he is One Of My Blorbos Okay, and people laughing because I do not usually talk about fandom — or at least, when I do talk about it, it's pretty — not that? Sedate, maybe, is the better way to put it.

(I'm excited to talk to them about this, something that I think also came as a surprise to them both, but oh, well, I contain multitudes? Ha.)


I posted fic to AO3 for the first time ever! Well, not counting the thing that got auto-picked up when another archive shut down and shared there.

It's origfic, the weird iddy thing I've been working on. I am not...not-proud of it? Just. Ha. It's difficult to go, oh yes I should share this with people when I'm also like, "right, so, how cool are all of us with [long list of topics goes here]?"

At any rate!

I got one (1) comment tonight. I was like, "dang, already?" (because I mean...) —

It was spam.

Apparently the same scams I get in my work inbox re: "you've been selected for [imaginary magazine that's supposedly about Inspiring Women Leaders]" have hit AO3. I thought I had comment moderation turned on, but evidently not, so I got the blandest — well, yeah.

The richness and creativity of your story genuinely stand out — it holds exceptional promise as a comic. As a paid illustrator specializing in narrative art, I work on commission and would love to collaborate if you’re ever interested in visualizing your work. You can connect with me via Discord at [REDACTED BECAUSE FUCK 'EM]

On the one hand, deep sigh, this sort of stuff is insidious and there are probably people who do genuinely message them going, "oh my gosh, yes, draw my thing!" — but on the other hand...

The first chapter has a very graphic "we have to fake consummating our marriage" scene.

The second chapter of this work immediately hits on some pretty intense kink.

So, you know. Holds exceptional promise as a comic — uh...huh. Sure. :)

I deleted it and turned comment moderation on. Am now laughing because, well. That would be my luck, wouldn't it, with how this week has gone.